It creeps up on me in the night

I have been absent from blogger land, I know.  Our days are busy and baby-centered and (dare I say it?) happy.  The initial parade of out-of-town visitors ended just yesterday.  Ginny is blessed with many adoring grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends.  She will be two months old tomorrow.

Getting stronger - training like Rocky on her tummy time mat.

Last week my husband and Ginny and I were taking a break and having a lovely cuddle on our bed, with puppy at our feet supervising of course.  I glanced at the clock.  "It's 4:21 on a Thursday," I said.  No need to explain, because that day and time are with us forever.  Elizabeth died then.  How did we get through that hell and arrive at this place of first smiles and bittersweet joy?  I don't know, but I am so grateful.

And yet, it creeps up on me in the night.  I steal out of the bedroom and cry over photos and videos of Elizabeth, talk to her ashes, try to remember the smell of my firstborn daughter.  We had a birthday party the day she turned 2 months old, knowing that she probably wouldn't make it to a year - with cake and decorations and party guests and even the birthday song.  I'm grateful she had all of that, at least once.

Elizabeth's birthday party

Oh, Roo, how could so much have been taken from you, my darling daughter?  Your Daddy and sister and I continue on without you, and it just breaks my heart in a million pieces to think about what could have been.

3am tears

This wonderful little girl is nursing and I am crying for all that didn't happen and never will - the other little girl we loved so much who could not nurse and is gone forever.