Updates

The baby boy I posted about last time is doing really well and will probably come home from the NICU in the next week!  His mom is doing pretty well, too, and is adjusting to the realities of having a preemie.  She says she feels like to some extent her body "failed again" though.  I totally understand.

I just heard about a BLM (acquaintance of an acquaintance) who had a second consecutive full-term loss.  Oh, how can the universe be so cruel?

I am sick as a dog most days and still pretty grateful about it.  Still anxious about our upcoming 10-week appointment, though.  Optimism just doesn't feel warranted yet.  Maybe someday?

Clearing out the bookshelf by our bed, I saw the following summary of the last two years:

Our friend's rainbow baby

I have this friend from our local bereaved parents support group.  Her daughter was stillborn just over a year ago, from a cord accident at 36 weeks.  They have no living children.  My friend has MS, and her neurologist didn't totally support her putting her body through pregnancy at all, let alone multiple times, but you know how strongly we need to get pregnant again after a loss.  My friend and I both got pregnant with our rainbow babies last April, just a month after we had met.  So wonderfully happy-sad and glad to be in it together.  Then I had the miscarriage.  But, you know, if my friend had had a miscarriage at that point it might have been the end of the pregnancy road for her, given her health issues.  Better me than her at that point.  I was free to try again.  She's had a normal pregnancy.  I saw her last week after her 32 week appointment and everything was looking great.

Then she suddenly went into labor on Thursday.  Her little boy was in a funny breach position, so the doctors did a c-section.  He was born at 33w1d.  Considering all of that, he's doing really well.  Over 5 lbs, breathing with just oxygen assist in his nose (not on the ventilator).  He'll be in the NICU for a while.  We got to meet him last night - strange to be back in the NICU where Elizabeth lived for the first three weeks of her life.  We spent some time visiting with my friend and her husband, too.  They are in shock.  We were so upbeat for them, to counteract their stunned family, amazed that something had "gone wrong" yet again  -  we said:

CONGRATULATIONS!  It's so exciting.  He's doing so well!  What a big boy!  What a beautiful baby!  He's alive!

Because we know the "He's Alive!" part is the whole point. 
Please send healing/growing thoughts to this precious little baby boy. 

Thoughts on birth

I read this article today.  Yes, it's about Bella Swan of the Twilight saga.  At one point, the author relates Bella's violent and bloody birthing experience to her own:

Two weeks late and over 10 pounds, the child had to be cut by a team of doctors from my body, which in turn responded by hemorrhaging massive amounts of blood. I am still stunned by the experience; like any good thirtysomething Brooklynite, I had envisioned the glowing "natural" birth, the whole holistic bill of goods that has been sold to us strong, empowered, modern women. And while I believe that those sorts of births happen and are beautiful, they are not the only sorts of birth, nor have they been throughout history. Gestating and giving birth are dangerous physical pursuits, no matter how empowered a woman is.

And I thought - YES!!  I too was sold a bill of goods, and I attempted to sell it to those around me during my pregnancy with Elizabeth.  I believed in the sanctity of pregnancy and natural birth. 
"Birth is beautiful" I said.
"I am pregnant, not sick" I said. (kind of ironic, since I had hyperemesis)
"Women have been doing this for thousands of years" I said.

Never mind that without modern medicine, at least 1 in 5 of those babies and 1 in 100 of those women didn't survive the process.  I thought it would matter *how* Elizabeth came into the world.  In the end, it didn't.  It mattered that she was ok.  But even modern medicine couldn't save her from the cord accident.  The urgent c-section done to keep her from being killed by the birth process itself?  That procedure was a blessing for our family.  It gave us three months with our precious baby girl.

I can't stand to think about how I used to sympathize with women who bemoaned their less-than-ideal birth experiences.  While cradling their nursing newborns, they shared their shame over "giving in" to the epidural or c-section, and I felt sad that they had been robbed of a beautiful beginning with their child.  Now I want to slap people like that upside the head.  Who gives a fuck about the start?  It's the lifetime that matters.

And now, to dispel a bit of my anger, my current favorite picture of Roo.  She made this cute little face when jostled from a comfortable position.  It was her way of letting you know she was a little displeased.  Elizabeth had a lot of spunk, from the way she acted during pregnancy, to the way she fought her injuries and illnesses:

Creeping up on 7 weeks

We not only saw the heart flickering at the ultrasound yesterday, we even HEARD the heartbeat!  YAY!

But I had done such a good job preparing myself for the worst that I didn't know how to react to the best.  We got in the car and I started crying and my husband asked me why.  I was crying for a million reasons - relief, terror, nausea, grief - but for some reason what came out of my mouth was "This baby isn't Elizabeth."  Why did I say that?  I don't really think that way.  This is not a do-over.  We are trying to provide a sibling for Elizabeth, not a replacement. 

I feel very confused.  I just don't believe in this baby yet.  Right now my primary feeling is an intensified emptiness, missing Elizabeth.  I am grateful for this pregnancy and willing to wait for the joy that might come, if things continue to go well.  I don't believe much in first trimester hopes right now, since the miscarriage was our most recent experience.  But I'll continue to feel kind of glad every time I throw up. 

Two brilliant ideas

I am getting sicker by the day - physically not so fun, but psychologically great!  Very twisted.

This morning I had two brilliant ideas:

1.  To help me deal with unresolved anger toward those whose support this year has been underwhelming (but who I cannot cut out of my life for some reason) and also to acknowledge those who have been our rocks of support, I propose doing a holiday card this year with a spot at the bottom that says "Your grade for behavior toward our family this year is ____."  to be graded on a typical A through F scale.  Many people will get an A (or even A+).  Some people will get an F ( or even F-).  The teacher in me can't wait for the first phone call from a B student asking if they can do any extra credit to raise their grade.

2.  If a miracle occurs and this pregnancy goes far enough for me to show, I want to have an "Inappropriately Honest Maternity T-Shirt Making Party" during which we can make shirts for me that say things like:

Don't be an idiot and ask if this is my first child.  My first child died.

This baby's big sister Elizabeth is in heaven.

Bereaved Pregnant Lady - Stay Back! 

If you touch my tummy, I'll grab your boobs.  

Don't worry - I'll only follow through on #2. 
Any shirt ideas to add? (by the way, that last shirt idea above is a threat, not a proposition)