We not only saw the heart flickering at the ultrasound yesterday, we even HEARD the heartbeat! YAY!
But I had done such a good job preparing myself for the worst that I didn't know how to react to the best. We got in the car and I started crying and my husband asked me why. I was crying for a million reasons - relief, terror, nausea, grief - but for some reason what came out of my mouth was "This baby isn't Elizabeth." Why did I say that? I don't really think that way. This is not a do-over. We are trying to provide a sibling for Elizabeth, not a replacement.
I feel very confused. I just don't believe in this baby yet. Right now my primary feeling is an intensified emptiness, missing Elizabeth. I am grateful for this pregnancy and willing to wait for the joy that might come, if things continue to go well. I don't believe much in first trimester hopes right now, since the miscarriage was our most recent experience. But I'll continue to feel kind of glad every time I throw up.
It's a very weird feeling to be hopeful and grieving all at once. For me anyway, I feel like I'm required to share my love for my first, with the hope that the second will outlive them... Like I'm cheating on him or something. It's bizarre.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you SAW and HEARD a heartbeat. And yay for puking, I feel the same way. :)
So glad you saw the heartbeat and HEARD it! I'm jealous we still haven't heard ours! Your emotions after are so normal. I cried the ugly cry when I saw I actually had a LIVE baby in there and I also was sad that this baby wasn't going to be Addi. I know eventually I will love this baby as its own person, but I just want Addi back so badly even though I know that can't happen. 15 weeks and this still isn't real for me...still waiting, still terrified. Thanks for sharing your good news, I hope more good news just keeps coming for Elizabeth's little sibling.
ReplyDeleteAwesome news!! Wishing u all the best!! I'm finding this pg after loss thing quite trying. Especially now that I am exiting the first tri... Now that this is for real, it almost feels like I am setting myself up for another major loss. Scary stuff. I hope it works out for all of us!
ReplyDeleteGreat news. Can't believe they let you hear the heartbeat. We only got to see ours. So happy for you!
ReplyDeleteWhat a milestone - the heartbeat! I'm quietly happy for you and keeping everything crossed for things progressing in a perfectly normal way.
ReplyDeleteIt's so complicated, grieving and growing a new baby. I don't have any answers, and I'm finding it pretty tricky to muddle through. I guess I just have to hope that IF this baby is born alive and well that I will feel that same rush of love that I felt when Seamus was born.
How is your nausea now? Is it full blown hyper emesis again? I hope that it's not totally debilitating, but enough to reassure you.
Congratulations. I hope everything works well. I so well understand that feeling on confusion and sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away. I wish from the bottom of my heart everything works this time.
ReplyDeleteSG!!!! WHOOHOOO! A heartbeat...the most amazing sound in the world. Grow little one GROW! Sending my love to you!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on this news! One day at a time... that's all any of us can do.
ReplyDeleteI understand your heartbreak at the thought of this baby not being Elizabeth. I often want to say Andrew's name out loud referring to the growing babe in my belly and then I have to catch myself. He is not Andrew and will never be that boy. He won't replace or mend the hole that Andrew fits so perfectly in to my heart.
I just hope time is kind to us all and these babies give us a sense of purpose as mothers again.
Congrats! Its a beautiful time but yes I so filled with confusion and mixed emotion.xo
ReplyDeleteI'm very behind, but congrats on seeing and hearing the heartbeat! I had to remind myself that even though it didn't feel like it, in a "normal" pregnancy those things are really big milestones. So I'm sure happy you are hitting them! One day at a time. . .
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for linking up your story. I know it will help others who are going through a pregnancy after a loss.
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