A tale of two Sisters and their Mommy

People who get it (or are trying hard to get it) ask me these days how I'm doing with my grief over losing Elizabeth.  I say:  Not much has changed.  She's gone, our firstborn beloved baby girl, who we watched take her last breath, who was robbed of a full long life, who we miss every day.    Pain like that may change over time, but the weight of it doesn't seem to lessen.  We survive it but have no expectation of overcoming it.

Things are changing around the grief, though.  Having Ginny here has healed a different part of me - the part that wondered if we would ever have a healthy living child, ever dream again (oh so cautiously) of birthday parties and first days of school, ever read books and sing silly songs to a growing and changing little person.  That part of me has come back to life again.  So, this is our messy, tragic, wonderful life, and we are determined to do the best with it that we possibly can.  What else is there to do?

Thanks to Brandy for this photo inspiration.

Baby Carriers and Nursing Tutu

We own a ridiculous number of baby carriers, handed down from Elizabeth to Ginny:  Ergo with infant insert, Baby Bjorn, Moby Wrap, padded sling.  Someone just gave me a Mei Tei variant, too.  Plus I sewed a ring sling a few weeks before Ginny was born.  Ginny and I haven't had much luck with any of them so far, although I know everything will change once she can hold her head up and I don't obsessively check that she's breathing every two minutes (Wait, will that ever happen?  To be honest, probably not.  And her very alive-ness thrills me every time). 

At parents group on Wednesday - yes, it was waaaaay better the second time than the first - I learned about the Baby K'Tan but could NOT stomach paying money for yet another carrier.  Then I found this tutorial.  This afternoon I decided to try it out.  Fifteen minutes, zero dollars, and three cut-up oversize T-shirts from the 90s later, I have a carrier that's working for us!

Why are my hands holding her in this picture?  Not sure - they don't need to be!  

 

Brilliant.  And free.  Unbelievable.

But, on another note, sometimes the most expensive gear really is the best.  Case in point, the My Brest Friend aka "The Nursing Tutu" makes breastfeeding actually comfortable for my back and truly one- or no-handed!  Amazing.  Thanks to my husband for buying it of his own motivation, after watching me juggle various sliding pillows and a Boppy the first few days, while asking him to hold my water glass while I drank from it. 

And now a gratuitous cute picture:

One month old already!

Passing for "normal" (whatever that means)

I joined a parenting group. It meets every Wednesday morning starting last week. Fifty little babies and their moms (a couple had dads along too) showed up for the first meeting! Lots of summer babies in our town I guess.

Lots of summer babies, but none cuter than goofy girl Ginny!

It's hard to feel like I belong in a gathering like that, even with Ginny in my arms. But I knew I wanted to be there, to try to make friends with other moms and form play groups for Ginny.  I know it's important to counteract my tendency to isolate (which I have thoroughly and justifiably indulged over the past 18 months).

BUT the topic of the first meeting really didn't help my transition from BLM to rainbow mom. Everyone was asked to introduce themselves, tell their birth story, and share a high point and a low point from the past week.

Are you f$%#ing kidding me??  I have spent the past year and a half studiously avoiding "normal"* birth stories since they trigger complex combinations of PTSD, jealousy, rage, and regret. Now I had to sit in a room and listen to FORTY-NINE of them?  That was one looooong meeting, let me tell you. I was the clear outlier, since in order to explain Ginny's scheduled early c-section I just went ahead and explained briefly (much more briefly, might I add, then some women who felt compelled to detail every cervical check, number of pushes, and choice of mood music**) about Elizabeth's death due to brain damage from a cord accident at full term.  Cue looks of horror, especially on the face of a mom who had just shared her ambivalence over having a c-section due to fetal distress (baby is fine).  Yeah, check your priorities, lady.  And then I said - Ginny is perfect and wonderful and the highest high is having her home with us.

I had nice small talk with several moms before and after the meeting. One of them organizers approached me after an thanked me for my honesty. I guess I half-expected to be treated like a pariah after saying the truth, but I know people are better than that.  Yes I'm going back tomorrow for the second meeting.  Hopefully it gets easier.

*somehow I don't mind BLM and rainbow birth stories
**this info would of course be appropriate in other contexts, like on one's own blog

On a different note, the lack of blogging lately is due to having houseguests for the past nine days.  I might write more about that later.

Time for another nap.

Baby season begins

Ginny is So. Much. Fun. I could write a whole post just about the funny faces she makes when she's hungry and then feeding. The girl goes from zero to Desperately Famished in about 4.2 seconds and has two main approaches to latching. I call them "hungry bird" and "snapping turtle" and probably you can guess which one works out better for both of us.

The only damper on the last week has been extra c-section recovery pain for me, but I will gladly take that over health problems for her. She is doing great, and I seem to be back on the mend (knock on wood).

And...baby season starts today. As in, the first round of grandparents arrive from out of town in about one hour. (for those paying close attention, yes opening day was moved up 3 days for various reasons). I am incredibly glad that our little family had this "baby moon" time for the past two and a half weeks. In fact I really can't imagine having done it any other way, given our history and family dynamics. We are settled in and know our little girl at least a little bit and we have had uninterrupted hours of gazing at her and figuring out her little signs and making up new nicknames and texting pictures to each other from across the house and generally just nesting. And we did just fine managing a newborn and a house and dog on our own and are still happily married, thankyouverymuch.  I have no patience for people who try to get us to complain about being tired or overwhelmed.  Do they not remember what the first weeks with Elizabeth were like for us?  This is a cakewalk in comparison.  But...now my husband has to head back to work, so bring on the extended family to admire and hold and cook some meals for is, too! We are ready and excited :)

Also I want to say I'm sorry I'm not commenting on blogs more. I am actually keeping up with most of you by reading on my phone during nursing sessions but making comments on the phone is tough especially for security-protected blogs.

Ok, on to the pictures!

California girl

Fun faces

Pure sweetness

Lounging on Daddy

After a bath.   I'm hungry.  Does this robe make milk? 

The picture says it all

9 days old!

In the hopes of waiting to post some deeper thoughts I ended up not posting at all the last few days...but that's silly so here are a few updates and photos and only semi-deep thoughts.

Ginny is wonderful and the vast majority of our time with her has been magical. Some cuteness:

She seems to have been born into the Australian time zone. Midnight to 4am is her happy hour...she orders a new round of drinks as soon as she finishes the last. We have some fun times, and I'm learning to nap more during the day!


Ginny-dragon has had a few challenges this week though (jaundice, not gaining enough weight, tiny bit of congestion) so we've been to the pediatrician twice and are on a stepped-up nursing schedule that as of yesterday includes some pumping and a few bottles of breastmilk too. We also have "tanning sessions" to work on the jaundice.

Even these minor health issues have brought to the surface our Elizabeth-related anxieties, and after yesterday's ped visit and traumatic heel stick (THREE pokes on her little foot) my husband shut down and I melted down (for the first time since Ginny's birth, which I actually think is incredible). Today is so much better.

And finally, puppy is accepting the new "family boss" pretty well. He is a little shy but also protective of her which we like. Here he is showing her his new toy a few days ago:

Home!

Hope to have time soon for a more complete update and story but for now I'll just say that it's great to be home and our little Ginny continues to be such a joy. She is a good eater and pooper (currently her main awake-time activities) and makes the most hilarious faces while she sleeps, including one that was an Elizabeth signature look (still trying to capture that one on film).