...and by "amazing" I mean "dumb as a box of rocks."
PSA, people: my daughter died. Don't tell me your birth story like I care whether or not the epidural worked. (If you are another BLM, I might make an exception for you on this one.)
Friday, February 24, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Time for those inappropriate maternity shirts
So, way back when this pregnancy still felt like a pipe dream, I posted about ideas for inappropriately honest maternity shirts. Well, I'm showing now. Strangers have started to ask, "Is this your first?" and so it is time to make this a reality. My original ideas + comments (thank you!) from last time:
I spent some time on CafePress and Customized Girl this morning...apparently I'm not the only one with a belly-touching sensitivity - see this shirt. Also, there are plenty of other ways to be inappropriate besides talking about dead babies - see this shirt. Yikes.
So, I designed a shirt! And another one! And yet another!
And that amused me for two whole hours. I think I'll wait for the Monday (President's Day) discounts before I actually order any.
P.S. Please let me know if the links above don't work. Also, I think I have turned off the annoying word-verification step for blog readers to post comments. Please let me know whether I was successful ... thanks!
Don't be an idiot and ask if this is my first child. My first child died.
This baby's big sister is in heaven.
Bereaved Pregnant Lady - Stay Back!
If you touch my tummy, I'll grab your boobs.
[unsolicited tummy-touching is just a pet peeve of mine, unrelated to being a BLM]
Today, 17 Mothers will take their babies home in coffins, not car seats. [a UK statistic]
Most babies make it, but this one's sister didn't.
It's all fun and games... until a baby dies.
Yes, I'm pregnant. No, I'm not smiling. Because my last baby died.
It's all fun and games... until a baby dies.
Yes, I'm pregnant. No, I'm not smiling. Because my last baby died.
No, this isn't my first and if you ask more questions, you won't like the answer
Don't count your chickens until they're hatched.
So, I designed a shirt! And another one! And yet another!
And that amused me for two whole hours. I think I'll wait for the Monday (President's Day) discounts before I actually order any.
P.S. Please let me know if the links above don't work. Also, I think I have turned off the annoying word-verification step for blog readers to post comments. Please let me know whether I was successful ... thanks!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
My Twisted Little World
I'm a mathematician. Probably I've never mentioned that here. It used to be a huge part of my identity, but that changed along with everything else when Elizabeth was born and died. In mathematics, we have the idea of an ordered set - basically a bunch of things where you can say "this thing is bigger than that thing." Real numbers are a perfect example (8 is bigger than pi is bigger than 1.5).
Why am I thinking about this? Because although little baby girl has started to kick me every day and I love her, and although we are past 20 weeks, and although I am starting to feel like the equation of our family is shifting from 3-1=2 to 4-1=3, I still said this to my husband as I was crying last night:
"I miss Roo so much. I would trade little baby girl for her in a second."
It's a horrible thing to contemplate, but it was in my heart and had to come out. I know there will be a day when I won't feel that way, when one of my children will not be bigger in my heart than the other, but we're not there quite yet. Little baby girl is not quite real enough, and Elizabeth is still my strongest reality.
And then my brain kept going down the path of making an ordered set of those I love...I remember the moment, just after she was born, when I realized I would absolutely hand over my life for Elizabeth's recovery. So, Elizabeth > me. Then I started to ponder: little baby girl> me? hubby>little baby girl? and my brain screamed STOP DON'T GO DOWN THIS ROAD THIS IS NOT A FAIRY TALE WHERE YOU HAVE TO (ARE ABLE TO?) TRADE LIVES FOR LIVES NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THESE THOUGHTS. but thoughts are hard to stop
My twisted little world.
Why am I thinking about this? Because although little baby girl has started to kick me every day and I love her, and although we are past 20 weeks, and although I am starting to feel like the equation of our family is shifting from 3-1=2 to 4-1=3, I still said this to my husband as I was crying last night:
"I miss Roo so much. I would trade little baby girl for her in a second."
It's a horrible thing to contemplate, but it was in my heart and had to come out. I know there will be a day when I won't feel that way, when one of my children will not be bigger in my heart than the other, but we're not there quite yet. Little baby girl is not quite real enough, and Elizabeth is still my strongest reality.
And then my brain kept going down the path of making an ordered set of those I love...I remember the moment, just after she was born, when I realized I would absolutely hand over my life for Elizabeth's recovery. So, Elizabeth > me. Then I started to ponder: little baby girl> me? hubby>little baby girl? and my brain screamed STOP DON'T GO DOWN THIS ROAD THIS IS NOT A FAIRY TALE WHERE YOU HAVE TO (ARE ABLE TO?) TRADE LIVES FOR LIVES NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THESE THOUGHTS. but thoughts are hard to stop
My twisted little world.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Three days every day
Every day is three days for me now:
1. Today - Thursday, February 9, 2012. 19w1d pregnant. To do: walk the dog, clean the kitchen, go to a therapy appointment, work on my dissertation, grade papers, answer a bunch of emails, edit a test, tutor a student, stay awake for at least part of the evening after my husband gets home, take a bath, read our poem to Elizabeth's ashes, go to bed. Try not to freak out too many times.
2. 18 Months Ago - July 18, 2010, the day I was 19w1d pregnant with Elizabeth. I see on the calendar that I had an acupuncture appointment (trying anything to get rid of the nausea) and that it was the day before we found out Elizabeth was a girl. We were finalizing plans for our "gender reveal" party. It seems like a lifetime ago, and we were different people then.
3. One Year Ago - Wednesday, February 9, 2011. Elizabeth's 10th full day at home. She was seven and a half weeks old. I see in my little blue journal of her life the following facts: second post-hospital pediatrician visit, switched her feeds to 110mL every four hours, feed pump now set for 90 mL/hour, meds at 10pm and 10am. I also kept track of the milk I produced that day - 985 mL total from four pumpings. I noted that Elizabeth was "extra floppy today" - a reference to her poor little body's swings between hypotonic and hypertonic cerebral palsy. The hospice nurse called to say she would stop by tomorrow. It was a grandparent guard-change day (our parents took turns living with us to help care for Elizabeth). My husband's parents and my father left for the airport in the morning, and my ex-stepfather and his wife (complicated, yes) flew in in the evening. Facts take up the bulk of the page in the journal, but in the margins, I wrote "Roo slept w/ parents :) Family [meaning just the three of us] home alone for the first time. Lovely afternoon." Because it is possible - essential even - to have lovely afternoons cuddling a baby girl who is dying.
Right now, I want that day - day #3 - over and over for the rest of my life like groundhog day.
1. Today - Thursday, February 9, 2012. 19w1d pregnant. To do: walk the dog, clean the kitchen, go to a therapy appointment, work on my dissertation, grade papers, answer a bunch of emails, edit a test, tutor a student, stay awake for at least part of the evening after my husband gets home, take a bath, read our poem to Elizabeth's ashes, go to bed. Try not to freak out too many times.
2. 18 Months Ago - July 18, 2010, the day I was 19w1d pregnant with Elizabeth. I see on the calendar that I had an acupuncture appointment (trying anything to get rid of the nausea) and that it was the day before we found out Elizabeth was a girl. We were finalizing plans for our "gender reveal" party. It seems like a lifetime ago, and we were different people then.
3. One Year Ago - Wednesday, February 9, 2011. Elizabeth's 10th full day at home. She was seven and a half weeks old. I see in my little blue journal of her life the following facts: second post-hospital pediatrician visit, switched her feeds to 110mL every four hours, feed pump now set for 90 mL/hour, meds at 10pm and 10am. I also kept track of the milk I produced that day - 985 mL total from four pumpings. I noted that Elizabeth was "extra floppy today" - a reference to her poor little body's swings between hypotonic and hypertonic cerebral palsy. The hospice nurse called to say she would stop by tomorrow. It was a grandparent guard-change day (our parents took turns living with us to help care for Elizabeth). My husband's parents and my father left for the airport in the morning, and my ex-stepfather and his wife (complicated, yes) flew in in the evening. Facts take up the bulk of the page in the journal, but in the margins, I wrote "Roo slept w/ parents :) Family [meaning just the three of us] home alone for the first time. Lovely afternoon." Because it is possible - essential even - to have lovely afternoons cuddling a baby girl who is dying.Right now, I want that day - day #3 - over and over for the rest of my life like groundhog day.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Almost a record
This was going to be my longest puke-free streak of the pregnancy, except now I'm up at 2 in the morning throwing up. So close. Start the clock over. With Elizabeth I had many puke-free weeks in the third trimester, so let's hope for that again.
19 weeks today! Considering that my goal is to get to 38 weeks, let's call this the halfway mark :)
19 weeks today! Considering that my goal is to get to 38 weeks, let's call this the halfway mark :)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Big News
We had the big 18 week ultrasound today and learned:
1. It's a little sister for Elizabeth! YAY!! And here I was convinced she was a boy.
2. No major anatomical issues - HUGE relief. HUGE relief. I spent most of the time leading up to the appointment rehearsing how it would feel to hear that baby had a critical organ missing/birth defect incompatible with life/no heartbeat. Lots of crying and dread this morning in the car on the way to the doctor's office.
3. Placenta and cord normal and well-placed in every way that I knew to ask about. Of course, that was true with Elizabeth, but at least it's a good start.
4. Two small indicators that we are at an increased risk for some kind of chromosomal abnormality like Downs, and that's on top of my advanced maternal age. So we have more than a 1% chance of Downs at this point. Considering that Elizabeth's cord accident was a 1-in-2000 kind of thing, a 1-2% chance sounds pretty damn high to me.
I wish we had just heard totally rosy news, of course. But I don't seem to feel any kind of dread over this little girl having Downs, which is interesting. It feels more like a small adjustment within the happy realm of news that is this child's life will most likely be measured in years! We said no to the amnio. Not going to risk this baby girl's life just for some more info.
Grow, baby, grow.
1. It's a little sister for Elizabeth! YAY!! And here I was convinced she was a boy.
2. No major anatomical issues - HUGE relief. HUGE relief. I spent most of the time leading up to the appointment rehearsing how it would feel to hear that baby had a critical organ missing/birth defect incompatible with life/no heartbeat. Lots of crying and dread this morning in the car on the way to the doctor's office.
3. Placenta and cord normal and well-placed in every way that I knew to ask about. Of course, that was true with Elizabeth, but at least it's a good start.
4. Two small indicators that we are at an increased risk for some kind of chromosomal abnormality like Downs, and that's on top of my advanced maternal age. So we have more than a 1% chance of Downs at this point. Considering that Elizabeth's cord accident was a 1-in-2000 kind of thing, a 1-2% chance sounds pretty damn high to me.
I wish we had just heard totally rosy news, of course. But I don't seem to feel any kind of dread over this little girl having Downs, which is interesting. It feels more like a small adjustment within the happy realm of news that is this child's life will most likely be measured in years! We said no to the amnio. Not going to risk this baby girl's life just for some more info.
Grow, baby, grow.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Hi - Who are you?
I see that the number of people visiting my blog has increased a LOT in the last few weeks. I was used to a certain number of hits on new posts, along with comments from some of the dozen or so other BLMs that I feel like I "know" now through our blogs (you know who you are, I think - hi :) ). I assume there are also a number of BLMs who lurk on my blog and others, as I did for six months after Elizabeth died before I started blogging and commenting on other blogs...and I'm glad for that.
But, who are the hundreds of new people? Care to say hello and introduce yourselves and tell me where you're coming from? Is this all from Finding My New Normal's Link-Up? Or is something else going on that I don't know about? Just curious - thanks!
But, who are the hundreds of new people? Care to say hello and introduce yourselves and tell me where you're coming from? Is this all from Finding My New Normal's Link-Up? Or is something else going on that I don't know about? Just curious - thanks!
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