Well, we made it to June! and I'm just a jumble of emotions. I'm sorry I've fallen behind on blog reading and commenting. I'm not sure exactly why I am doing and not doing certain things right now. So of course this post is just going to be a jumble of my thoughts from the week.
We our doula Jessica over for dinner on Tuesday night. It was our last scheduled chat before the big day. I told her I wanted to talk through all eventualities. My husband and I calmly discussed with her what we would plan to do (i.e. who stays with me in surgery, who stays with baby, etc.) if baby dragon goes to the NICU, if I have some sort of medical emergency, even if one of us dies. Then Jessica gently suggested that we discuss what would happen if all went well and our little family ended up all together in recovery and then back in our room, and my husband and I both dissolved into tears. It's just too much to hope for.
Then a few times this week I've had these rushes of optimism, and I want to get things done. Now we have an assembled and clean co-sleeper, changing table, boppy, blankets, and even a few cute little outfits in the corner of our bedroom. We picked out a baby outfit for the hospital bag. I put the upfront costs for cord blood banking on my credit card. I even lounged in bed a few times reading a book about breastfeeding.
On the other hand, there was almost another hospital trip on Thursday night, when baby dragon took twice as long as usual to pass her kick count, and some of the kicks were honestly pretty wimpy. A trip to my favorite ice cream parlor was our last-ditch effort, and it did the trick waking her up.
Our dog has taken to barking at toddlers (not too aggressively, but still not good). It's embarrassing. Then I realized that maybe he's picking up on the fact that toddlers make me kind of sad and anxious? Right now they are all just reminders of the little girl who should be preparing to meet her baby sister.
Then there is the question of extended family coming to visit us. We love our parents and siblings, but this time around we really need some extra emotional space for our little family. I could write for days about what happened when Elizabeth was born - how we needed so much help and at the same time had complicated boundary issues with various people. Everyone lives out of town, so there is no question of just stopping by to meet a baby. Hence our decision to ask that no out of town guests arrive before July 11, which we have dubbed "opening day" for baby visiting season. (We're amused by the name at least.) This decision isn't popular with certain family members, but they are accepting it. Mostly. My mom keeps offering to come "at any moment - the car is always packed - you are my first priority" which yes makes me feel loved and supported, but after too many repetitions makes me feel like she's saying she thinks we can't handle this on our own. And I have started to really resent that. I'm trying to figure out how to communicate this to her without too much drama. There's a lot of history there...
And my favorite unexpected moment of the week: I turned the page to June on our kitchen calendar and it's a photo of a rainbow :)
When is your scheduled delivery? June is a heck of a month for me - both my boys were born then, so it's definitely my favorite month. I hope that June is good to you. Will be thinking lots about Baby Dragon
ReplyDeleteJune 20 (38 weeks) - although we may end up going earlier. I'm a repeat c-section...
DeleteYay for June!! Bring it, baby dragon!!
ReplyDeleteYay for June! Keep plugging along and doing whatever it takes to get through each day. I totally understand not wanting all the visitors at first. Obviously good support (and good food) is important, but it takes so much effort to entertain. Even before I knew horrible, I wanted time with just our little family.
ReplyDeleteClearly I don't know the history so I probably shouldn't even comment on it, but I bet your mom doesn't realize her persistence isn't helping. Good luck with everything. Yay for baby Dragon arriving soon!
Wow. This blog spoke to me. I completely understand you being so logical to walk through all the eventualities however not being able to hope for a good ending. My husband and I are the very same. We have discussed all eventualities including if I do not survive. We have planned for them. The one we have not prepared for whatsoever is if both baby and I survive an uncomplicated delivery.
ReplyDeleteThat is a type of hope neither of us can fathom right now. We figure if we can survive my almost dying and losing our daughter we can survive a happy outcome...and we will figure it out when we get there.
Bursting into tears at the mere thought of it all working out this time? I so feel that! I remember all too vividly that same thought...
ReplyDeleteHoping your mom lays off a little, and hoping June brings you not only a rainbow in photos, but a rainbow in the arms, too. Thinking of you!
The calendar moment. :)
ReplyDeleteI understand your interest for people to be supportive but to lay off. We live far from all family, too. Dropping by just can't happen. It's minimum of a few days when expensive plane flights are obtained.
June, welcome. Please promptly supply healthy rainbow babies for some lively mamas.
June, we made it to another month... My version of June is horrid, Camille died on the 30th, but I'm hoping June is good for you and baby dragon and a host of other BLM. I love that your June calendar picture is a rainbow. :)
ReplyDeleteMy hubby and I are only 21 weeks and have already discussed our plans for hostpital stays, money during that time etc, it's such a hard reality when you have plan this kinda stuff just in case.
ReplyDeleteAlmost there, that is awsome! I am wishing and hoping so much to see a healthy rainbow in your arms.xo
I find it so hard, too, to communicate my needs to my family. On the one hand, I don't want them to forget. On the other, it can be hard to handle their grief and fears, too. Of course they're entitled to it all, but it makes me feel this combination of guilt and vulnerability that's hard to handle.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you had the dinner with your doula, and am impressed by your plans. I love that your calendar's rooting for a great month for you. Finger's crossed for a safe and easy delivery.
This is all so exciting yet nerve racking! I can't even begin to imagine the feelings you are sifting through. Hugs as the days draw in the "opening chapter" to your lives as parents of two! hugs mama you deserve this day to go smooth and happy- your family should respect that although I understand what its like when they put in their two cents...
ReplyDelete~Felicia
I can't believe it's June, but I am so glad. I can't wait to read about Elizabeth's baby sister. I'm glad your doula encouraged you to think about things going right, I never thought about the good scenario because the fear was too great, but the fact that she brought it to your attention is really wonderful.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to get things ready, but I'm glad you are doing some. It really is nice to let yourself believe that things will work out...no matter how small that faith is, it helps.
Also we STILL have a "no visitor" sign on our door. I didn't want drop ins and it has helped. Family is a little harder, but you have to do what's best for you and your husband. You are in the home stretch now, my fingers are crossed!
There's too much to say to write it all here, so I'll email you too. Oh, did I relate to this post. But mostly I loved the rainbow on your calendar. It just filled me with a sense of "Rightness", that "It's going to happen" and that's your sign.
ReplyDeleteMay in be a Rainbow June for many of us. :)
A week and 1/2 to go!!!!!!