I spend much of each day, and often parts of the night too, paralyzed by fear. It's all just one long kick count - doppler check - nonstress test - check for more spotting - monitor the BH contractions cycle. This hyper-vigilance is exhausting. I can't focus on other things very well.
So much feels out of my control, but I cling to the idea that if something starts going wrong and I catch it quickly enough, maybe the worst can be averted.
31 weeks. Baby dragon is viable now. Soon her lungs will even be developed. I know to the rest of the world, she is in the safest place, but to me she is in the war zone where my precious Elizabeth was fatally injured. All it takes is the cord in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My husband has a slightly different set of fears than I do. He wants to wrap me in bubble wrap. I sat up on the kitchen counter this morning and he kind of freaked out. What if you fall?! he said. We are so on edge.
I cry many times every day, from grief and fear and sympathy and exhaustion.
She will be born soon (although it doesn't really feel that soon to me) and maybe things will be good and maybe not, and I just feel like I am waiting on this edge of a cliff and I don't know how the world will tilt or which way we might fall.
But oh my are we lucky to be here - pregnant, third trimester, baby dragon kicking away. I try to focus on that, I really do. On the hope and the planning. But that just reminds me of the hope and planning of this time with Elizabeth, and I go into a tailspin of missing her.
I'm not sure I realized that our due dates were SO close. 31 weeks here, too, and feeling so close and so far away from the Deuce's due date.
ReplyDeleteI can completely relate to the exhausting vigilance. I also get sudden rushes of immense guilt when something (work or a good book or TV or a conversation or shopping trip) has managed to distract me long enough that I think, "When was the last time I felt movement?" and I can't remember. So scary.
And my husband is much the same way--don't push that chair! Don't lift that ottoman! Don't cut yourself with that knife! (Since I'm taking baby aspirin as a blood thinner)
Glad to know that we are not alone.
I completely understand your fear and all the mixed feelings. I am thinking of you.xo
ReplyDeleteWould it help to go read how crazy I was in my third trimester with Lucas? (Go back to February-ish 2011.) I was nuts. I know it is so so scary, and current events don't really help to calm fears, but the odds are so overwhelmingly high that that baby will be just fine. (Viability is actually 24 weeks. 90+% of 28 weekers survive. So 31 weeks is great! My doctors were actually just HOPING I'd make it to 28 weeks with Lucas, "anything else is bonus.")
ReplyDeleteHang in there. Just one day at a time. Today you are pregnant. Today the baby is doing great. Try not to worry about tomorrow too much, it will come and you can worry about it tomorrow.
Just sending you hugs. Elizabeth is a beautiful baby. <3
ReplyDeleteOh man it's hard. I feel like I'm an emotional wreck over here. Especially with the news of baby Evelyn this week. I cry everyday and try and pump up my hope bubble between cry sessions. I can only imagine what the third trimester will bring. I'm 11 weeks behind you and I know it's a while before this one is born and it's close but far for yours to be born. It is amazing we get any sleep at all. Elizabeth is so precious!
ReplyDeleteElizabeth is so beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThis, this is the extra kick in the ass. As if it's not enough to miss your baby girl, this time so many other people get to experience as hopeful and look back upon with hopes fulfilled, has one terror after another. There's no way to feel like you're coping well, you just have to get through it. You're getting up in the morning; you're talking to your husband; I'm confident you're coping as well as you can and should. I can't wait for this period to be over for you.
Thinking of you - I can't imagine that being so close yet so far. I can only image how that would feel - I'm so early into the same journey and already anxiety is so prevalent and seems to grow as the weeks pass. Elizabeth is so, so sweet. Thinking of you and your family xx Di
ReplyDelete