This is totally unrelated to my last post. There has been a bunch of good news about rainbow babies lately, and I hope it keeps coming :)
But
I had an angry day today.
Angry that Elizabeth was hurt.
Angry that Elizabeth died.
Angry that babies and children die.
Angry that I am so petrified of losing baby dragon.
Angry that Elizabeth will never be a toddler, a kindergardener, a young woman, a mother.
Angry that I have been so broken.
Angry that our family will never be whole.
Angry that grief is a full-time job, consuming and neverending.
Angry that I cannot always explain my rage, even to myself.
Angry and exhausted.
Oh yes... I hear you woman! I wrote a post "hours of anger" about how sometime my anger will just rush over me like a wave. There is nothing I can do except ride it out. Everything you wrote is so valid to be angry over. Each one individually let alone the culmination of them all. I hate angry days. They are so exhausting and overwhelming and sometimes come out of nowhere. I hear you and am angry with and for you. Sending some peace to you to soothe your broken heart. You can use it as a punching bag if you need to. :)
ReplyDeleteI have angry/jealous days all the time... It's hard when i feel like I've. Wen given the short end of the stick, ye. It seems less
ReplyDeleteDeserving people are rewarded with healthy, living babies. Infuriating to me... I can't get over the injustice of it all.
Right here with you and understand what your feeling. Grief is never ending and always with us. Wish it wasn't but it is.
ReplyDeleteOh I know. Sending you hugs.
ReplyDeleteI get angry alot too! Mostly at the docs and at the unfairness of it all. My friend has 9 -yes 9 healthy children that were all born big and fat and she smokes, I dont feel angry towards her or anyone else or feel they dont deserve them ( she is an awsome Mom) and I dont think anyone should judge anyone else, yet I am always perplexed by it. I constantly ask myself how can someone have that many healthy children with no complications and I cant even have one. The odds, the perecentages of 9 and one always pop up in my head.It's a question that will never be answered. The unfairness of why it ever happens to anyone gets me too.xo
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
ReplyDeletewe recently went to CA to visit family. My husband took Finn outside to play with his two small cousins and I had a moment where I was just angry that my family wasn't whole and my Cale didn't get to play with the other boys. That he was missing from the picture.
ReplyDeleteI had a LOT of angry moments when I was pregnant with Finn. It's tough and I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but not sorry you have all that love for Elizabeth. That's a beautiful thing.
The anger is so exhausting. Adding to the normal anger that comes with grief the pregnancy anxiety and hormones that seem to make it stick around even longer is even harder. Summer cannot come quickly enough.
ReplyDelete