I can only speak or daydream in the very vaguest terms about a happy ending for this pregnancy, about a future in which we have a living child. When we were pregnant with Elizabeth, we called her by name constantly and wove beautiful future plans. Now we have roundabout conversations about things we "might do" someday "with kids" and talk about "if baby dragon gets here ok..."
I can list but am actually unable to picture the concrete steps of delivery day all going well: checking in and prepping for the c-section, the operation itself, baby dragon crying and being healthy, seeing her, being sewn up and taken to recovery, baby dragon being there with us instead of in the NICU, feeling some sort of joy or relief. I don't know how to say this strongly enough -- it's not just that I don't/can't daydream these happy things. Even when I sit down and try to FORCE myself to visualize everything going well in the hospital, I am unable to. My brain will not comply. I just see visions of chaos and emergencies and somebody critically ill or dying - either baby dragon or me or both. The visualization ends in tears and terror every time. This weekend I made my husband talk through what he and a healthy baby dragon would do if I were to die from complications, so some of the terror of
that scenario is gone now. But I'm still left with - what if we lose her? Would there be anything left of us?
So I go back to focusing on each day. That seems to be the only way. Today's kick counts. Tonight's "play session" with baby dragon as she kicks and wiggles. Curling up with the puppy and watching a movie with my husband. Tomorrow morning's nonstress test. Less than ten weeks to go.
Omg. I have seriously been struggling with the same thoughts. And I'm delivering Saturday. It doesn't seem like it could possibly work out. I am terrified of losing the baby or dying myself. I have thought about having that conversation w my husband but didn't want to freak him out yet. I also have to have a c-section discussion w mynde but I want to do both later in the week so I don't add more anxiety. This is scary! But thank u for voicing bc I feel a tad less insane knowing I'm not alone. :)
ReplyDeleteThat's how I was too. And I was so...erm...crazy...that I tried not to sleep for the first couple of weeks that Luke was here (which was a horrible, dumb, insane idea) because I was SO terrified that I would go to sleep and he would die or be gone or I'd wake up and it was a dream. That was really not good. I know the odds have already screwed most of us over so it's hard to trust them, but try to keep in mind that most likely, the odds are extremely positive that the rest of your pregnancy will be fine, baby dragon will be fine, and you will be holding a happy healthy baby before you know it. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteHardest thing ever, right? A happy, healthy ending seems impossible when all you know is loss. My husband and I had similar conversations about, "If everything works out with Flip", so I totally understand. My FIL even made comments about planning for the future by prefacing it with, "If all goes well...". Hoping these 10 weeks can be checked off quickly and your new reality will be a sweet, crying babe.
ReplyDeleteBefore I even got pregnant again I asked similar questions to my partner. 'If we have a baby and then something happens to me, what would you do?' it's so strange how this situation changes us completely and makes us think of the things we would normally not think of. I too am hoping these last 10 weeks go quickly for you and you get that baby in your arms soon. xx Di
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI hope these last 10 weeks fly by, and you and baby dragon come home safely.
I wish I could say something to alleviate your anxiety. Yet even as I'm going through my second subsequent pregnancy to make it into the week 30s, I still have the terror. I can promise you, though, that the terror and the bad memories cannot temper the joy, and it's so worth it. You can somehow manage to feel both to an incredible extent, and I'm keeping all my appendages crossed that you will have that chance in a couple of months.
ReplyDeleteI feel like everything has to be SO hypothetical and I actually wondered if we were "jinxing" things by making plans for Memorial Day weekend with friends (but that's SIX WEEKS AWAY--anything terrible could happen in SIX WEEKS!). It's a difficult position to know exactly what the true worst-case scenario looks like, in excruciatingly vivid detail, but not to be able to picture an ordinary happy ending. I do believe you'll have a happy ending, though, and I can't wait until you're posting about it.
ReplyDeleteIts all so true, my rainbow journey has just began and I think honestly a happy ending would surprise me. It just doesnt seem like it will happen.
ReplyDeleteI just have to keep telling myself thats just my way of thinking now. This time it will be different for both of us. xo
I feel I have nothing new to add to what those above have already said, except god bless you all for your honesty and vulnerability. It's so true, what a relief to read that I'm not the only one speaking in "Ifs" - If we get her,If it goes well, If she lives... And not the only one who can't escape the visions of another horrible ending - the familiar one, one we could imagine, or another that we haven't yet imagined. With so many stories out there, it seems impossible anything could go right despite the logic that says "we're the minority" in having lost our children.
ReplyDeleteThe thing I want to scream - or wear a T-shirt announcing - is that I'm not crazy! Or deranged. Or dramatic. Or being silly. SO many times when I use "if" I get a look and a comment from someone akin to "That's not going to happen again", "Don't say that", "Don't think that way". It makes me feel guilty and scared for not putting out positive vibes, like I'm going to cause the very thing I don't want by my wording. And it makes me feel alone. Like I truly live in a different reality that most people can't understand. The one where all future plans are cloaked in mist - maybe they'll happen and the picture will become clear, maybe they won't and they'll fade away as the dream they currently are. The only clear thing is the here and now - "today's kick count. Today's bump and play session as my belly shifts. Dinner and movie tonight with my husband." Everything beyond that is mist tinged with anxiety and hope.
Thank you for being the community that lets me know for sure that I'm not, in fact, alone nor deranged. With everything I am I hope it's the community that goes on to celebrate our living children together, without ever forgetting our precious ones who aren't.
I am really sensitive about people who want to force optimism on me or make me feel guilty for being traumatized, too. They just don't live in our world. Nice for them, I guess, but it sure makes it hard to speak the same language. I hope we get our rainbow babies home safely <3
DeleteSG, I wish that I could just tell you to breathe, as we babyloss mamas always remind each other to do, but I imagine that dragon is taking up some space, and it's not always so easy to breathe when you're sharing a body with another person.
ReplyDeleteI also wish I could say that your process sounds abnormal. I wish we lived in a world where NICU didn't have to exist (I'm grateful it's there, but wouldn't it be great if all babies were perfect and healthy every time? You know what I mean). Unfortunately, I think that what you're going through is probably perfectly normal. Our experience has left an imprint on our psyche and nervous system.
I have no rainbow baby cooking. I'm too scared to try right now. So I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I hope that this day is one of the better ones, that spring is springing wherever you are.
xoxoxo
We are gun shy.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about your mind almost not letting you work out that happy ending scenario in your mind.
NICU life, emergencies, stress.... that stuff is all that i know as a mother. So where else is the mind to go but there?
i'm wishing for smooth sailing for you and your sweet dragon baby.
Poor Finley - he was an "if" right up until delivery. Never a "when"
ReplyDeleteBut it's our reality and it's the shitty hand we've been dealt, so what are you gonna do. . .
One day at a time. We are all so anxious and excited for these next 9+ weeks for you :)
I've found your blog through Michelle. Although I have no yet became pregnant since my loss I have dreamt of a happy ending but it feel as so it will never come. You will be in my thoughts.
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