"Innocents" - finally, the I have the right word to describe people whose lives have not been touched by tragedy. I found it in the book "Losing Malcolm" (highly recommended). Since losing Elizabeth I have become very aware of innocents in our lives, in their different incarnations:
Some innocents sent a card or flowers and then turned away from our grief because it was unfathomable to them. I understand. I was an innocent like that once upon a time.
Some innocents are charming in their naive optimism and failure to think others might have suffered tragedy. These are the acquaintances in our lives who saw us months after Elizabeth's death, when there were clearly no baby-ish clues about us and asked cheerfully how the little one was doing. These are the pregnant women who glow with the innocent belief that babies don't die in our modern society. They are sweet and mean well. They even make me a little nostalgic for when I was more innocent.
Some innocents mistakenly believe they have suffered tragedies. I
know they just want to connect with me, but please please please don't
act like the death of your 80-year-old grandmother is in the same league
as the death of my 3-month-old baby girl. Generations are supposed to
die in a certain order. Death of a loved one is sad, hard, and
life-changing, yes. Not always a tragedy though.
Some innocents are obnoxious in their belief that tragedy will never happen to them because it hasn't so far and because they are responsible people. They often ask subtle leading questions trying to figure out where we did something wrong on the way to Elizabeth's death. Or they make breezy statements like, "our children's births are quick and easy" - yes a 9-month pregnant mother of two said this to me recently. And she knows what happened to Elizabeth. Cord accidents don't scare her because, well, her children's births are quick and easy, didn't you hear? These people make me see red. They make me feel judged and marked. Maybe I'll call them "ignorants" instead of "innocents."
YUCK! gotta hate them all sometimes. But the ones that know and should know better are the ones that take the cake. I have little patience for these people. I am sorry you have to deal with them...you may call them innocents...yes it is true...others are just assholes!
ReplyDeleteI vote ignorants. But I don't think they're exclusively to blame - I remember in my antenatal class someone asked the question: "What happens if the baby is born with the umbilical cord around its neck?" The midwife replied, "It's really nothing to worry about. It doesn't happen that often, and when it does, the midwife simply slips it back over the baby's head and usually, the Mum is none the wiser!" It makes me seethe when I think about it now. Both my baby and one other in that class died from umbilical cord accidents... It's this kind of failure to educate that perpetuates the belief that so many people have that they are somehow immune...
ReplyDeleteI was an innocent too. Who believed only others' babies died after being as long as 7 months in pregnancy(that too very very rarely. Least probability). I believed that if I had managed the first two trimesters without a mc or high bp or such issues, I deserved to have my baby. I was that innocent and stupid woman. Not to mention, highly ignorant too.
ReplyDeleteAm very sorry about your baby girl and your mc.
The only thing which keeps me from blowing my top at ignorant (specifically ignorant pregnant) women re: "could never happen to me" comments is that, well, it could just as easily BE them next time.
ReplyDeleteHorrible, huh?
Not horrible - I think exactly the same thing.
ReplyDeleteJust stumbled upon your blog through some other ladies that i am connecting with.
ReplyDeleteI can not tell you how much I love what you wrote here.
Its true. all of it.
I was never an innocent. i knew tragedy since the age of six.
What gets me is how much can happen in some people's lives and so little in other's when it comes to tragedy.
Almost like it gets a taste of you and it keeps coming backing biting at your heels until it gets you again.
I have feared losing my close loved ones and the possibility of tragedy my entire life. Because it knew me. The loss of my mother at 6 has always deeply effected me. So in turn I have been grateful for every single moment, always. Really. Since I was a tiny human, every single interaction was cherished by me and I would always tell people how I felt about them and make sure to say my "I love you's".
and it doesn't matter. it doesn't buy you any extra luck in this world.
When my son was born I suddenly turn into and idealist, instead of the realist that I had alway been.
I think it was a coping mechanism.
My brain blocked out the blood stains on his baby blankets that now when I look at pictures I can not believe that I didn't see them then. It makes me feel like the worse mother in the world. Because usually I pay attention to details.
I was a born again innocent.
They painted rosy picture and I believed it all.
Because I wanted it to be real.
I deserved to take home my baby.
Sorry if this all sounds depressing. I am definitely not at my most positive places today.
I would love to copy this and paste it to my blog, giving you credit of course. If you rather I not, thats fine too. I just love the way that you wrote this.
I am so so sorry about your sweet Elizabeth. I am so sorry for your suffering. My heart is with you.
Hi Laura - I'm glad you found your way here. I just visited your blog and read about Truman. What a sweet boy. I'm so sorry he's gone :( You are welcome to quote me on your blog (in fact, I'd be honored). I haven't read all of your blog posts, but I saw one where you were talking about religion. I'm not religious either, and I remember wishing so badly I had something like that to cling to in the early days. I don't feel that way any more. Now on most days I find hope in the beauty of the world and the goodness of friends and in the love of my husband and that is enough to get me through and find a sense of peace. I hope you are finding something similar.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I wanted to say that I'm very sorry you lost your mother so young and I really hope that nothing I wrote in this post (the part about generations leaving in a proper order) makes you feel that I don't view a young child's loss of a parent as a tragedy. I certainly do.
I hope you have a peaceful day. Take care.
Thank you SG <3
ReplyDeleteI appreciate you being so thoughtful about me losing my mother, but I was not offended at all.
Especially after losing Truman I understand her death that much more. I can not imagine the grief she felt knowing that she was dying and her time with her child was limited.
Truman left me, but i can not imagine the fear or leaving a child to live in a world without their mom. That must have been so hard for her.
I also appreciate the fact that I have found some non-religious baby loss momma's. It is really a breath of fresh air, as I had been reaching out for help and hitting dead ends at every single religious comment.
Thank you so much for welcoming me to your circle.
much love to you.
I hear you on this one...loud and clear.
ReplyDeleteMy sis'n'law and another "friend" of mine are/were both this way. My sis'n'law is currently pregnant and due next month, she confident b/c this is her third pregnancy and so far third without complications. Yep- ignorance. Even when she first hand saw what happened to me...Dont ya hate that!
Im about to scream and cry at the same time...anyway- hugs
~Felicia