The spotting stopped. The pregnancy is still on as of right now. I have told the bare minimum number of people in my life about it, mostly because I still have such a hard time believing. Don't get me wrong - I love the little spark of life, but I don't believe it will turn into a real baby that we get to love and plan a future with. I pulled out my "Pregnancy Week by Week" book, to follow along and be happy for each little development, but with not much expectation that it will lead anywhere.
BUT - the first wave of real nausea hit me this morning, and I feel such gratitude! and -almost - nostalgia. I don't know if I've written about this before, but I had Hyperemesis with Elizabeth's pregnancy. By week 10, I often couldn't keep down anything, even water. I ended up losing a lot of weight, on modified bed rest to avoid hospitalization, taking medicines that were originally meant for chemotherapy patients. It was bad. At the time, it was the worst thing I'd ever been through. It's still the worst physical thing I've ever been through. Basically, it felt like bad food poisoning combined with a terrible hangover, every day for nearly four months. Don't get me started on the well-meaning idiots who would hear I was sick and ask if I'd tried sipping ginger ale. That's a little like recommending a band-aid for someone who just had their hand chopped off.
Now I welcome the first signs that we're headed that way again. Maybe it means this baby is going to be strong enough to make it to term, while we monitor fiercely for any signs of umbilical cord problems. With Baby Bean (our miscarriage in June), I barely felt nauseated and only threw up once the whole 10 weeks I carried him. I believed people when they said, "Well, maybe the world is finally cutting you a break" - but in my heart I thought it might be because the pregnancy just wasn't strong enough. And I was right.
So, yeah, I'm strangely happy that food is starting to repulse me a little. That's messed up, right? Pretty sure I won't be so excited by the time I'm projectile vomiting the anti-nausea meds and admiring the broken blood vessels all over my face. I got through it once. I can get through it again.
I so hear you on the vomiting. i find it both annoying and comforting, in some weird, twisty way.
ReplyDeleteI ended up at the ER twice while pregnant with Jack *and severely dehydrated*, and I always scoffed when people asked whether I'd tried crackers or ginger. People still suggest it to me, as though it were some novel thing I might not have heard of. listen, vomiting up crackers HURTS.
I'm on Diclectin 4x/day and I am beginning to think I need to up my doseage as the vomiting is really bad in the evening...
Nothing comes easily now, huh?
Thank goodness the spotting stopped and bring on the nausea (but hopefully not as bad). I get what you mean though, I was so happy every.single.morning I woke up sick this time around. It is finally going away, but in a sick twisted way I miss it because how else do I know something is going on?!?
ReplyDeleteBeing pregnant after loss is a whole new ball game. That spotting in the start just isn't fair. I don't expect anything about this time around to be easy and that is a tough realization. Hang in there.
My sister had hyperemesis throughout all of her pregnancies and had to be repeatedly hospitalised to be put on a drip, so I know that it's no joke. Like you she lost an awful lot of weight and her teeth were ruined from all the vomiting. She survived the first half of each pregnancy by eating peanuts - apparently they are highly nutritious, but small and easy-ish to eat. (I hope that doesn't sound like a ignorant ginger ale suggestion)
ReplyDeleteI hope that yours is enough to reassure, but not too much to make you seriously ill. For what it's worth, when a pregnancy is such a challenge, it makes me feel defiant - Goddamnit after going through such hell, you DESERVE this to work out... If only life worked like that...
It's so nice to have people understand. Thank you :) Aoife, the peanuts idea isn't bad - I did actually get a fair amount of nutrition from nibbling raw unsalted almonds last time around.
ReplyDeleteOh I am so glad for you. I am just wishing along with you. Easier on this end I am sure..since I am not living it yet. I always wonder if I will feel detached or if I will just throw myself headlong into love...because we all know it may not last forever and so we should love every second we have with our children. Guarded is protection from your heart breaking again but it does not affect the outcome of the pregnancy. Please let yourself fall in love. Please. And when I become pregnant...remind me too okay? Love is such a blessing...that is why it hurts so much when our children die...because we loved SO BIG. hugs to you...and here's a cheers to nausea and vomiting in moderate doses. :)
ReplyDeleteugh, that sounds so unpleasant - bless your heart! But Glad to hear you are sick and pregnant!
ReplyDeleteWishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteSo you're one of us, eh?
ReplyDeleteForever in two worlds. Gah. Glad to hear you're feeling a bit ill-- must mean something is working in there! This is a hard road. We're on it together.
We just found out we are expecting again just 2 weeks ago. The fact that I am not sick to my stomach scares me to death. I have been sick with every single one of my pregnancys. I too think that I will welcome the morning sickeness if it ever occurs. I know I heard the whole crackers thing too many times to count. But I can say that icecream comes up really easy and I ate plenty of that during my pregnancies. At least I could claim I was getting some calcium benefits.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine how one can feel anything but detachment after the loss of a baby. I know for me I just feel like if I don't get excited maybe if another loss occurs it won't hurt so bad.
So right here with you, feeling this stuck between the maybes of what might happen and the wants of what was to be and it is so dang hard.
The summer will be here before we know it. Just have to keep ticking off the days.
Hugs to you.
Paula