Tuesday, October 18, 2011
This is a love story, and like all great love stories, it is a story of loss.
A friend just send me this New York Times article. The writer's son is dying from Tay-Sachs. It hit me hard. I am a babylost mother but I was also the mother of a terminally ill child for three months. Ours was a complicated journey from wide-eyed pregnant innocents to bereaved parents, not the express train that most of my babylost friends took. I will always be grateful for the short time we had to love Elizabeth on this earth. The weeks with her at home were the most precious of my life. I feel guilty just writing that, like I'm gloating over people who didn't get that chance - who saw no heartbeat on a monitor. But why should I feel guilty? Weren't we all supposed to have a lifetime together? Yes, I covet those three months, even as they were the worst of my life. It's been almost a year since Elizabeth was born but I still struggle every day to process what has happened.
I think I might be pregnant again even though the test I took this morning was negative. I feel different. I am unable to picture us ever having a living healthy child, though. That's just not our story. I have no faith anymore.
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I covet those 3 months you had, but you should not feel guilty about that. You are right, we all deserved a lifetime with our babies and it's just plain unfair that our babies didn't outlive us.
ReplyDeleteMy first test with this second pregnancy was negative as well...4 days later it was positive. At just over 11 weeks I still can't picture getting to bring home a healthy LIVING child. I think no matter how "good" the statistics are in your favor, once you live in this baby loss world, it's the first place your mind goes...partly as protection for ourselves and partly because it's the only thing we know :(
Thinking about you and Elizabeth.
I wish your next test will be positive. Thinking of your sweet baby
ReplyDeleteI second what Addi's mom said above. I've lived the life of being a mother of a boy who came home for 2 days then went back to the hospital and died. Horrible, terrible days. It's just patently unfair and backwards to outlive your precious baby,
ReplyDeleteFingers crossed re: the test. I just "knew", too.
It's hard to find faith or hope when experience has brought us such pain. I know exactly how you feel - I don't feel like a person who gets a happy ending... and being very newly pregnant, I constantly catch myself preparing for another loss. I can't picture a 'normal' pregnancy with a positive outcome. It feels very much like a high risk gamble - all we can do is sweat it out until the results are in.
ReplyDeleteI hope that you get a positive test soon.
Honestly, even after bringing home a healthy baby, I fear losing him. I soak up every second with him, because I'm scared that I'll outlive this baby too. the fear doesn't consume me, but it certainly is there.
ReplyDeleteWishing you a positive soon. Wishing you peace always.
I think about this all the time too. My three days with my son were the best days of my life. We were grateful. We were lucky to get that time even if it ended in tragedy. You are right, we all deserve a lifetime and if we can't get that we might as well be purely grateful for every second that we do get.
ReplyDeleteI feel guilty sometimes that I feel as sad as I do about losing Truman, because so many woman who had early onset severe pre-eclampsia like I did end up dead or severely damaged. I should be soaking up every second of my life. Full of gratitude to be alive. But i'm just not there yet and i'm not sure that I'll ever be.
Thinking of you and your sweet Elizabeth and hoping you get your positive result.